Summer Mondays

woke up to grey skies today and the anticipation of getting to spend a few hours with my sweet girl, Teegie.  
 she just melts my heart and i can just rock her and gaze at her the whole time she is here. i want to treasure every moment i get with her because i know in a ghost of moment she will be growing up way too soon for me. 
i grazed on baby newness and kissing chunky cheeks for 3 hours.
sat outside on the back porch during the solar eclipse today. it was almost eerie, it got dark for a few minutes and it seemed as if everything was silent. the cicadas were not belting out their afternoon lullabye, not one chirp from the birds, no planes overhead. the humidity clung against my skin like a heavy blanket and i sat in awe at the mass of the world.
this summer i have been searching for silence. because i've had none. my whole routine has been off. this summer has been madness.
im aching for silent nights , the silence at 3am when i am restless and walk the floors in the dark.
the silence of  a photograph that stirs with emotion
the silence of  an empty house except for me. the silence of the tv being shut off after being on all day long. my soul is craving silence. 
callie cat is howling at the door to be let out. i don't see much of her these days, she is jealous of Luna so she comes in to eat and drink and then she's back out again.
the doctor bills continue to come, plus dentist bills, and radiology bills as well. its getting so i hate to check the mailbox. i think i jinxed myself a couple of months ago when the bestie and i were having a conversation and i was telling her how i finally feel like ive moved beyond a mountain of being in debt. then BAM its doctor visits, tests, biopsies , stents, root canals all at once.
...still....im grateful...thankful for the blessings that God has placed in my life.



last. night.

last night.
a cool breeze blew off the river as thousands of people carried in picnic baskets, chilled drinks, blankets, lawn chairs and settled in together to enjoy a couple of hours of The Riverfront Pops concert a symphonic tribute to THE BEATLES GREATEST HITS.
the evening couldn't have been more perfect. 
I  went with my bestie, Jen.  we got there 2 hours early to get a good place, we were still back aways from the stage but we were right up against the river under a huge oak tree,  the breeze drifted across our shoulders was so welcomed. it was a perfect night surrounded by wonderful people.
we ended up sitting in front of a wonderful family.
they saw i had my camera and ask if i would take a family picture of them with there phone camera. i offered to take a photo of them with my camera, explaining that i was a professional photographer and i would take the photo and email to her.
they were so appreciative. later in the evening she came up to me and told me the saddest story of 
3 women, sisters.
the woman in the middle of the photo was just diagnosed with Glioblastoma Brain tumor and sadly only has 3-6 months to live.  
a doom settled across our shoulders after hearing her story. 
today is dark skies, rain threatening to fall.
sleeping in 
reading and watching a movie.
Sundays...are the best for that.


august morning on the back porch
cidades are growing quieter each day and soon they will announce the last of summer
at the same time autumn will be swirling in with gusts of wind announcing her arrival with fallen leaves and chillier nights.
alayna has been here the last 2 nights. its been girls night on the couch, reading and cuddles and some upsets along the way with fallen tears. im now ready for quiet and peace. however tonight i will be spending down at the river with the bestie, shooting and listening to the Quad City Symphony Orchestra belt out tunes of the Beatles. summer activities for the year are winding down quickly.
but that seems to be how summer is. she comes in slowly and leaves quickly.
the same with autumn. but winter she stays on much longer. 
another shooting in are city yesterday morning.
i just can't wrap my head around the all the violence that is taking place in the world today.
i long for the 'old days' when i was a child and life was much easier then.
im feeling old and my body tells me so with her aches and tiring bones at night.
life is so very short
everything changes. every day brings new changes and i struggle against them but it does no good, they come anyway no matter how loud i protest.
the changes come and the days run into one another
almost like a sentence without a period, without an end.
i grab at any little piece of laughter i can find
but it never stays long enough.


it was yesterday, early afternoon
i drove over and she came out and got in the car.
tension was thick between us as  sometimes can get, 
lately more often than not.
way past are our days of hanging out together
sleep-overs with the kids'
and daily talks 3 or 4 times.

she says something, and i snap at her. quickly.
i can feel the tension in my body tighten up
you would think at this stage in our life
we would be over all this
but anger still lingers deep inside of me

i thought i had moved past it, but i guess not.
she's disappointed me, once again.
 for the millionth time
and im bone tired of twirling on the same merry-go-round
it always ends the same way.

i want to get off but that attachment
holds me still
that umbilical cord still remains
between us

im weary, bone-tired weary. 


August Days...

august days...
they are sweltering and the air conditioner barely shuts off. i go from being hot to cold, to turning the air down and then to grabbing a sweater. 
no socks and bare feet  patter on hardwood floors that need waxed and cleaned.
soon it will be opened windows and doors
fall leaves wet from rain gathered into corners and colors galore when i glance out the window
there will be white pumpkins and garlands of autumn adoring the fireplace
cool nights and haunted movies with the anticipation of my favorite holiday, Halloween.  
the house this summer has been in a confusion.  there has been an disorder in the balance of my 'normal'
days and nights. everything has been switched backwards and it has left me unsettled. i want my 'normal' back. my mind is tired of over thinking and i find little things are making me angry. and my daughter seems to make things worse. i worry about her, her future, that she seems to not care or even think about. she floats around day to day as if she has no plans, no decisions and no actions are in place for her future, and this seems not to bother her in the least. 

silly girl she is so unwise, if only she knew.
in all honesty most days i feel like a failure as a mother. my greatest joy in life is also my greatest downfall. somehow, somewhere i lost control and i don't know how to get it back.
it's too late...
i failed her
i failed as a mother...hard as i tried, i still feel defeated and bone-tired.
.lost. and just wandering through the emotions of trying to get through each day
because i don't want anyone else to know what a failure i am.
and how alone i really feel.

it has to get better...
i can hope


morning blues...

night has soften and gone and left me very restless. tossing and turning, awaking at 5am and walking the halls, the only sound  the creak in the hardwood floors and the swish of my summer nightgown as i move about. i do not care for nights such as these. 
my day will seem slightly 'off' today as i rush to get things done, things that i unnecessarily put off till the last minute. 
running to the market to pick up things we have run out of
milk, cat food, bread
the absolute necessary things and probably a few things i will throw into the basket, things not needed, but wanted instead.
the cat is hollowing by the front door to be let out when only coming in for a bite of food and a drink. since we got the new kitty, she is angry with us. i guess she feels replaced somehow. she is old and i think she will live forever.
i haven't got to spend much time with my baby teaghan yet, and im having some serious baby blues.
my soul has been needing some baby loving and hush lullabyes. 
 needing soft words and warm hugs,
cozy and familiar.
i've been feeling "off" the last few days, not grounded, just floating through the days and nights.
maybe today i will get out and shoot if its not too warm.
perhaps a trip to the bookstore for ice coffee and new reads.


Dog End days of Summer...

this morning i opened my eyes several times before finally placing my feet on  hardwood floors. it was a day to fall back asleep numerous times before rising and now half the day is gone. the locust are belting out their own end of the summer melody and all too soon they will be gone for yet another year. the air condition is on and the house is shut up tight.
Ryan Bingham is blaring on the headphones and the dryer is finishing up a load from late last night.
today is a day for writing. the words are tumbling through my head and racing to be written down even though there are floors that need to be sweep,  cat hair clumps  lingering in corners, and dirty dishes crammed into the kitchen sink that only seem to bother me as i walk by. no one else in the house seems affected by it. 
the date on the calendar is forcing me to remember a day coming up 5 years ago. a night so senseless it kept me up till morning grieving for a life lost to unresolved violence and my son's heart breaking.
the first time he had to really feel the loss of someone close to him. that heavy grief feeling that you feel will break you and never pass.
that part of life we hope will never touch us, but knowing it will sooner or later and when it does we cling to our faith and beg God to hold us up and hug us tighter than ever before.
im aching for Autumn this year. even though summer flew by in a blink of an eye as she always does.
im longing for cool nights under antique quilts and bonfires outside. Scented cinnamon candles and homemade apple pies. walks in crunchy leaves of orange, reds and browns.Im dreaming in color today because my soul feels it.
i want to twirl outside underneath the moon and live in these upcoming autumn days and nights because
im ready

RIP Charles

it doesn't even seem possible that you have been gone for 5 years and your murderer is still roaming the streets free and clear. i don't understand our justice system at all.
a young life just taken and no justice for his mother or father.  a life that someone thought they had to right to snuff out, how do you sleep at night? how do you look at yourself in the mirror? i wonder how you live life and laugh at the expense of someone else's tears, at the expense of this young man's life that you so carelessly took without even a second thought. 
do you ever wonder the hell you put so many people through?  you not only took this young man's life, but you destroyed so many people's lives in the process. what made you think you could play God and make that decision? 
RIP in sweet boy. you are never forgotten and always missed by many.



when my children were young we didn't have free-lance photographers who would come out to our house and capture our children's personality on film. if we wanted any photos of our children we had to go to JC Pennys. and today when i dig out those photos i get a lump in my throat that i can't swallow, and my heart sinks to the floor. the photographs are absolutely terrible, and most of them are not even in sharp focus. it breaks my heart. i would have paid anything to have a professional photographer come out to my home and do candid photos of me interacting with my children. as most new parents i didn't realize how fast time goes by, and at the time i wasn't a professional photographer.
Sure I have memories stored in my head but it sure would be nice to have photographs hanging on my walls of my children's childhood. to see them running through open fields, wide open smiles plastered on their tiny faces and even times of sadness because lets face it, there is sadness in the world and it touches our world sometimes.
I despise posed photography. i want to capture you at your truest self, laughing, crying. i want to see RAW EMOTIONS covered over your face.
i don't want forced smiles, awkward poses. I want to film YOU being YOU.
Kelly Petersen Photography is now offering "Documentary Photography" for $250. that session will include up to 100 photographs for you and your family's everyday life. the session itself will take around 3 hours,  I want to film you in the kitchen making breakfast with your kids. I want to see you outside  playing in the back yard, I want to see EVERYTHING!
 Your laughter, your tears, your love. I want you to pour everything out.
and i guarantee you, you will treasure these photos for the rest of our life. when your children are grown, and the memories in your head start to get dimmer with each passing year.
Let me preserve these precious, short-timed memories for you!
Book your session today! You can call me @ 563.370.3422 and check out my website
EMAL: kellysphotos1202@gmail.com 


Pieces of My Heart

last friday early morning (3:15 AM) August 4, 2017  my life changed once again for the better.
my daughter blessed me with another beautiful grandaughter, Teaghan Louse.
and she already has stolen my heart from the minute I watched her being born. the minute i heard her little lungs scream and  placed on her mother's chest my heart swooned. I love this child and all my grandchildren as if they were my own. there isn't anything in the world that i would not do for them.
today i stopped over and did newborn photos. I don't ever want to forget her first days, her first home, her first everything. I want to record it all.
Im so in love with this baby girl. My Teegie