I miss you sister dear

 for years i hated those late night phone calls with you spilling tears and me half asleep trying to figure out what the drama was that you stirred up for the night. i usually had no patience and would be angry with you, I'd hang up the phone in a heated rage. i'm sorry i wasn't more understanding and compassionate. i'm sorry i didn't understand your disease better and was more quick to judge then give you grace that you so desperately wanted and needed. there are hard lessons in life and i wish so much i could go back and know what i know now. have i grown any thru losing you? I'd like to think I've have.

now as i lay in bed at night when sleep evades me i think back to all the times i cut you off and gave you demands for us to have a relationship. now i'd just be so happy to have you back i would take you anyway i could.  now when you are gone i realize things i never did before. one thing that constantly rattles  in my head is you saying "one of these days, you're going to regret this." and God do I.  the regrets are the hardest to live with and even harder to try to push away.  i try to warn others about repeating mistakes i made but they don't listen because it hasn't happened to them yet. But one day they will wake up with regrets they can't fix and that is the hardest thing ever. I can't bring you back, I can't make it right. I miss you dear sister. Even though we had a lifetime of memories it still wasn't enough. Losing you has been the hardest loss of my life; my twin sister. 

so many times i feel like you and mama have abandoned me. left me here on earth to fend for myself . there are days i just wallow in self-pity wishing more than anything i could be with you and mama again. so many things i took for granted. so many things id give to have them back. life is different now. there is no more mundane days. there is no more normal. all those years and days i just wallowed away not realizing the importance of them until now when there is no way i can ever get them back. 

i wonder where you are, what you are doing and if you are with me.  i wonder how many days, months, years i will have to live without you. 

I pray more than anything you knew how much I loved you even though at times it was hard to show it.Rest in Peace my beautiful sweet girl.