RIP my beautiful twin sissy

 Some people may wonder why I write about the things I do because some things are hard to hear and just down right fricking sad as hell.

I write because it's a way for me to process my thoughts and feelings in a much better way. I write because it makes things more real for me, especially when I'm coping with how to deal with feelings, especially sad or hard ones such as GRIEF.

I've been carrying around this heavy bag of grief for 2 1/2 years since I lost my mom in Oct. 2020 and a year later lost my best friend unexpectedly.

My twin sister, Shelly has been battling some health problems for the last six months or so. She has been in excruciating pain and discomfort off and on again for months. Our health care system and our doctors are a JOKE. 9 days before my sister passed on June 15, 2023 I had her at the specialist's office. Now being a specialist, you could just look at my sister and see that she was very unwell. He should have admitted her to the hospital and schedule for her abdomen to be drained the next day. Since she was carrying around 30 pounds of ascites for months, she couldn't even put on her shoes she was so swollen. My sister was in end stage liver failure.   8 days after she'd been to the doctor who was supposed to help her, she was admitted to the hospital with a serious infection. She was very sick, and the hospital would not let me stay with her overnight.  At 4:15 AM I get a frantic call from her telling me that they are moving her to ICU, she has taken a turn for the worse and she's Septic. I get to the hospital at 8AM up to the ICU where they are attempting to drain the ascites from her body, but it's been in there so long now she starts bleeding out and they have to stop. She goes into Septic Shock and her organs start to shut down.

They poked and prodded her for 9 hours that day until I told them no more. Her kidneys shut down, they were having a hard time trying to keep her blood pressure from bottoming out, her heartrate was high ...there was no saving her at this point. Her poor little body was just filled with infection everywhere. 

I had them unhook her from the machines and ask them to give her "Comfort Care" for the dying and she took her final breath at 6:19PM, Thursday, June 15, 2023.

A day that will be etched into my heart as one of the worse days of my life. I came into this world with her and I sat by her bedside,  sang songs to her, held her hand, kissed her forehead and told her how much I loved her.  I was not going to leave my other half, my best friend, my everything until she made her last journey home.

We are identical twins and today is the 4th day of my whole life that I've walked this earth without her. To say that this is traumatizing does not even come close to how bad my heart is shattered. Watching her struggle to breath and hear her inhale her last breath makes me literally sick. I haven't been able to eat since she left. I just honestly feel like I'm going to die from a broken heart. I don't know how to do life without her.

She was a kind and very loving soul. She had many demons and battles that she dealt with her whole life and I know that she is resting in the arms of Jesus and is finally at peace. Her battle is over and now mine begins.

RIP peace my darling baby girl. I'll carry your heart in mine until we are together again.

xoxoxo