December already?

 How are we in December already? Things have been C R A Z Y in my life it seems since I lost my sister, Richard's cancer, the surgery and just life in general. How I long for those "normal, slow mundane days" again. 

With Novah being in school in Muscatine at her dad's we've missed getting her on the days that we usually do this past month because kids have been sick and we don't want to expose her with her lung issues so I'm not getting my "Novie" time in and that is distressing for me. Mentally I'm not in a good space right now, but I'm getting there slowly.

Celebrating my first birthday without my twin was hard. I did good until I got home and had a flood of memories wash over me and then it was downhill from there. Gosh I still almost 6 months later cannot believe that she's not here. I go back and watch that video of her last day here and it's like a shock to my system. I question myself, "Did that really happen?"  How is she not here anymore? I just wish I could one more day with her.

I hate death. it's raw,disbelief,crushing against my heart with truth and denial fighting each other on a daily basis. I just need to get out of this valley I've been stuck in for 3 years of loss after loss. It's taken a toll on my life, my heart and I'm tired of carrying this grief around. I'm working on getting into a grief group now that starts in February, so hopefully I can get into that and process all this and lay it down.

God bless

xoxox