2 AM Thoughts

 gosh i can hardly believe tomm is the last day of February already. I swear the days goes by as fast as a minute. the last couple days we're had 75 degrees temp, and it's been so wonderful to get outside, open some windows and feel the breeze whipping thru my hair. it's funny how much the weather decides on your mood.

 the nights have been long though. the last 2 nights my sister has been weighing heavily on my mind. I can hardly fathom that she's been gone 8 months already and what makes it even worse is my heart just refuses to accept it. grief and death are so hard to accept, and you never know when it's going to rear it's ugly head. anything can set it off, seeing something on a shelf at the store you know they would like, holidays are hard. they've been hard since i lost my mom 3 years ago. there will never be a "normal" for me again. it's hard when you lose almost everyone in your immediate family...there is just a lonely ache left in their place that no matter what you do or don't do you just know it's always going to be there now. when i think of my sister i get a stabbing ache in my heart as if there are shards of glass there now, shattering every time i think of her. the pain is so unbearable i will usually get up and start doing something else to redirect my brain. at least Richard seems to be doing better. he's recovering from a major surgery he had in November, and we are trying to get back to someone what was a routine for us. Finding out he had cancer 5 days before i lost my sister was devastating. and unless you've battled cancer or been with a loved one battling it you never really know how hard and exhausting it really is.

even though he had 3 rounds of chemo, 28 radiation sessions and a horrific surgery they wanted him to do a year of immunotherapy. after looking over all the horrible side effects he quickly decided not to do it. he'll continue to have scans every 3 months looking for reoccurrence and it's always in the back of my head that it's going to come back especially since he is still smoking. 

  So, there is always that fear inside my head. I don't think I could live with losing one more person I love and I pray to God everyday  for the best possible outcome. My faith in God is what keeps me going without him I have nothing. Without him all hope is lost.