The Last Year...

Ugh...how to even begin this post leaves me in a stump. To say that this last year has been a difficult one for me would be a huge understatement. Gosh today that's even hard for me to write. This last year has been a big turning point in my life. I've had a lot of downs and a few ups. In the last year I've learned a lot...and I don't write that easily. You would think that at my age I would know just about most of the important things there are to know about life, love, children, marriage, and the jest of life.

But this last year has taught me, I don't  know shit. I thought I had it all figured out, only to learn that each new day I was learning a life lesson; something new, and not always good.

I thought I knew the people I loved, my family, my friends. Guess what? I was wrong about that too. Turns out I don't know shit. I'm lucky if I wake up and some of the things in life are the same as they were the day before.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm enjoying learning all the new things in my life. I'm enjoying appreciating the simply things in life. I'm enjoying loving on my Alayna, Kaiden, Rylee, and Caitlin.

But in the last year, I've let go of guilt. Guilt of mistakes that I may not have been the perfect mother, the perfect daughter, the perfect wife, the perfect whatever. And you know what? I'm okay with that.

I did the best I knew how and I can live with that. As far as my children. I've given up expecting anything from them.  They are who they are. And I can't change them. No matter how I think they should act, because they are 25 or 21. They may hurt my feelings and cause me pain but I guess that's part of being a mother. And I guess in time they'll learn the hard way about being hurt as a parent when their child does the same things to them.

Last year on my birthday, I stayed in bed all day long, in my pjs and sulked about how fast my life had slipped past. This year was different. I was going to celebrate  the life I've had up to this point. Celebrate the wonderful friends I have, the blessings in my life, and just being here to celebrate another year.

When I was growing up my mother always was worried about "What are the neighbors going to think" if I came home at 5 AM in the morning. I heard so much of, "What are the neighbors going to think" when I was growing up I vowed to never give a shit to worry about what the neighbors think. And you know what. I've held tight to that my whole life. I've always done what makes me happy; personally I don't give a shit what Joe blow down the street thinks. I have one life to live and I'm going to live it my way.

I'm a very blunt person. You never have to question where you stand with me because I'm very upfront. If I don't like you; trust me; you'll know it. If you do something that pisses me off; you'll know it. Now my daughter doesn't believe that this is right. She thinks I should be a little mouse in a corner and keep my mouth shut because that's how she is. Well I've never been a little mouse and I don't intend on being a little unheard mouse now. And if you don't like me, then you have a very simple choice, stay away from me. That simple.

I have a lot to be thankful for. Sure there are good days and bad days. And I'm learning how to deal with those. I'm learning how to live in the moment and not worry about tomorrow. Because whatever happens, happens and I have no control over that. I can only accept it and move on. I cannot change people into what I want or into who I think they should be. But I can decide whether they are in my life or not. And that's what I'm doing.

XOXO