Trying to Be Okay....

TUESDAY IS....

heavy heart and too much weighing on my mind

this menopause is kicking my ass with its highs and lows hormones are so out of control....

lots of wishing i could go back and do things differently, but i can't. all i can

do is live for today, forgive myself and know in my heart that God loves me just as i am.

im trying so hard to see the beauty and the positive in life right now. i struggle with too many thoughts. my brain is on constant overload. i realize that life is not under our control. life continuously changes, and if you're trying to control it, you'll never be able to fully live it.

that is hard for me, for i have a strong desire to control my life, and the outcome of it.

Quote by Shauna niequist,

"I'm discovering that lots of times, not every time, but maybe more often than not, there is something just past the heartbreak, just past the curse, just past the despair and that thing is so beautiful." 

its true, nothing good every comes easy. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am a perfectionist. I feel like every single part of my body has bruises and broken pieces  that will never heal. the mistakes i've made so far on my journey of life can never be undone or taken back, and so learning how to forgive myself is really hard.

life is hard and painful and i'm fighting it every day; only i shouldn't because i have no control of it. what is gonna happen; happens. all i can do is stand up straight and learn to live with it.

today is a gift. and if we are given a tomorrow that is a gift as well. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i don't know if this time will be one of happiness or one of sadness

but i've learned that i have to deal with whatever God throws me.

There are lessons in this journey that i have to learn, however hard they may be.

~~~~~~~~~

I once read a quote saying,

hearts are breakable and i think even when you heal, you're never

 what you were before. (Cassandra Clare)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i believe that.  i don't know where my life is headed but i know where i've been

and i know that bad things happen and i have to embrace them, feel them in order to embrace and feel the happy ones as well.

~~~~~~~~~~~

sometimes there's a joy in sadness and tears. it wipes out the heartache

so we can breathe again.

Im trying to embrace wholeheartedly the bad with the good,

the sadness with the happiness

and i keep reminding myself 

that as long as i get up everyday and i put an effort into trying to be good,

do good,

be kind,

that God loves me and forgives me 

and that is one thing that is always a promise.