A Little bit here, and a little bit over there

after a week in the hospital my mama got to go home on Monday. her frail 91 year old body has really taken a beating this last month with 3 hospital stays and endless hours of sitting in the Emergency Room.

it seems since Summer began its been one thing after another constantly running together like a ball of string with no break in between.  i've not kept up to much on my blog as my heart has been too busy with aches and no words to form sentences. everything in my brain has been a scramble, racing to get things done and forgetting one thing after another.

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my soul desperately needs 'quiet' days to regroup, and lately i haven't been given near enough of them. my mind is in a constant haze with worry over my mama. she seems to have gone from a independent woman to needing as much help as possible. the last month has drained her from all energy and shes weak and doesn't eat much anymore. i feel our days are numbered and coming way to soon. some days i doubt my faith and then God will gently nudge me to find my way back to him for the comfort and strength and love only he can give.

and then its a bit easier to face what the day may bring because i know when i cannot walk anymore he will carry me through.

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it's almost December and that means another birthday. its a busy month with lots of rushing and never enough time to get everything done. i pray that my mama will be here for Christmas. Christmas is not about presents for me, its about family and friends and the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ.

Society has made Christmas into a buying frenzy and it sickens me. I do love the decorations, and the togetherness of family and friends and yes even the snow if we are lucky enough to get it.

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the weather this week feels more like Spring.  i think mother nature never knows what to do anymore. and even though it is warmer than normal for this time of year, i find that im always cold lately and constantly turning up the heat, and layering on the sweaters. lately i feel as if im needed in too many places at once and im stretched thin and my body is weary from the pulling and tugging to be here and over there at the same time. im floating in a  season of uncertainty and that makes me anxious. 

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yesterday, my brother steve, myself and my sister gathered at my mamas and we discussed her wishes for funeral details. at one point i looked over at my mama as her head was lowered and her eyes casted down, she wasn't with us, i don't know where her mind was but she appeared sad and broken.

i had to turn away before the tears started to roll down my face.  impending death is never easy and harder still when its your mama.  I cannot fathom living in a world where my mama isn't present.

she has always been my safe haven and has always glued back the pieces of my life when it has broken apart. my best friend and my constant acceptance place when i've felt unloved or undeserving. 

today feels as if its going to be a tough day, too many things are clouding my brain and its hazy.

XOXOX