My Beautiful Sister - I love you

the older i get get the more I realize how important family is. I realize how just how very short our time on this earth really is. As quoted in the Bible it is but a vapor.  it's sad when you love someone so much and you can't save them. I think our generation is so focused on making more money, keeping up with the Jones, trying to survive day by day after time we lose focus of what is really important - the people we love. 

as time goes on we spend less and less time with our family, and the people who really matter to us, and when something unexpected happens we carry on, beating ourselves up day after day with  if only I'd done this, If only I would have said this...and the list goes on and on. I don't want to be one of those people who end up living in the regret of the past.

Recently my sister has gotten quite sick. She's been in and out of the ER numerous times, hopsital stays and seems to  be only getting worse. My sister and are identical twins. She is my other half - and each of our havles make up a whole. If you are not a twin you can never understand this concept. It's like 2 identities, but weaved together, we are entangled into each other. We came into this world together and we have been together every since for 58 years. 

When we were younger we were inseperatable.  Then we grew up, had our own familes and didn't seem to have enough time for just hanging out and having fun anymore. Real life had moved in and she wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.

 Even though we are identical we are so different. I've always been the leader, the fixer, the person to come to her rescue when she needed saving. I feel like most of my life has been spent trying to save my sister. Up until these last few years when my heart just couldn't take watching her destroy herself and keeping those that love her in a constant turmoil,  I made the discision to distanced myself from her. I thought maybe if I did that she would realize the hard life she had chosen and how the people who love her got sucked into the nightmare right along with her.  But her illness, her disease stripped all confidence and self-worth she ever had away  from her. After years of abuse she felt unworthy to have a good life and she just gave up. I hate addiction and it how it literally destroys familes. I turn on the news everyday and my heart is literally broken at the destruction and cruelness that is going on in this world we live in today.

I really believe some people come into this world and it's just too much for them. They turn to alcohol and drugs to try and escape it and sadly more and more young teenagers and adults are killing themselves and I just SCREAM.....WHY, WHY, WHY?      Getting on social media is filled with depressing news, I can't go a day without hearing someone was diganosed with cancer, someone is fighting to live, someone is fighting to stay a float and keep their shit together....it's a daily batter to survive anymore. And I priase and thank God everyday for my faith becuase it is my faith, my hope that keeps me hanging on. I pray BIG prayers to my BIG God and I know that if it is according to his Will  all things will eventually work out, but man is it hard to keep hanging on. It's a day to day battle to surrender my life to Him and trust him over my way. But I do trust him. And I know no matter how hard life gets, no matter what gets thrown in my way, He is there with me and if I can't walk the road anymore He will pick me up and carry me.

That is My God, the God I serve. The God who has never failed me and who has always came searching for me when I've wandered off His chosen path.

There is not much more I can do for my sister but pray that God has her, and I believe he does. I believe that no matter what he has chosen for her, all the bad stuff she has had to endure, He will turn and weave something beautiful from it, because that what He does.

To my sister, shelly - I love you dearly sweet girl. I wish I could have saved you because I tried so hard for so many years. You deserved a better life than what you had. You deserved to be loved and to be cherished and I know that's all you've ever wanted your whole life was to be loved.

I love you Sissy, I've always loved you with an undying love and I always will. Please try to hang on alittle longer, I'm so not ready to live without my sister.

Love,

Sissy