Winter & Down Days

I honestly never realized how much empty-nest syndrome would effect me. 3-4 months ago, Caitlin and Novah moved out. Up until that time I'd been a stay at home mom for 32 years, minus my side jobs and photography.

I dreamed about the day all my kids would be adults and out on their own. I delighted in knowing that I wouldn't have to pick up after anyone else, there would be less laundry, my house would stay clean longer than one hour! It was something I was looking forward too. Long days of  quiet and not having to stress out about anything, or so I thought.

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Caitlin lived at home through-out her whole pregnancy with Novah. I went to every doctor appointment, went through the whole thing with her. After Novie was born, Caitlin and Novah came home and lived her for the first year.  I doted on being a grandmother, waking up every day to that smiling gorgeous face. Novah was in essence my child. I cared for her, took care of her, loved on her. I did everything for her that I did for my own children.

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fast forward to a year and Caitlin moved out with my girl, Novah. These last 3-4 months they have been gone have been some of the loneliness and worse days of my life.

I feel like I've lost my identity. I get up in the morning, have my coffee, do my bible study and then just  N O T H I N G.  I have no ambition to go anywhere, to see anyone, to do anything. I have to force myself to do anything around the house. I honestly feel as if I've fallen into a deep black hole and don't know how to crawl out. I'm just  L O S T  without my girls. the days are long and the nights even  L O N G E R . to tell you how bad it is, I didn't even put up my Christmas tree or decorations this year. Autumn leaves still hang draped from the fireplace mantel and pumpkins sit on shelves.

and i don't care.

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I'm taking my anti-depressant meds but nothing seems to help. I didn't even shoot any Weddings last Summer. Even my work can't pull me from this darkness. But I know I've got to do something.

xoxoox