My dearest Mommy....

 My Dearest Mama,

I wonder if my heart will ever be able to accept that you are gone. I'm struggling, Mama. I'm hanging on, but I'm struggling without you.  

At random times through the day you skip into my thoughts. I try to smile, but instead my heart cries out in  silent screaming, NO! How can this be? How can you not be here, walking the same earth as I do? I know I have so much, Mama, so much to be grateful for and I thank God every day for those blessings but it doesn't ease this loss. I never knew, I never knew, Mama how hard life would be without you.  I wish I could go back and relive all those wonderful memories I have. All those days we spent together, I'd savor each minute LONGER and hold you TIGHTER.  I'd hold you SO TIGHT Mommy.  I'd embed every smile, every sparkle of your eyes, every detail of you from your head to toes into my heart forever. And I don't have anything left of your smell anymore for comfort. the smell in your sweaters is gone and I don't have anything left to breathe in of you.

Learning to live without you is hard. Harder than hard. Unbearable. And I can't let go. I think this grieving process is going to take the rest of my life. the simplest of things can bring tears streaming down my face. Eating something you loved, seeing something you liked, driving by your favorite tree across the street from where you lived. Everything is difficult. I pray to God that his gets easier. Looking at your pictures just guts me. Yet, I want to look at them, and hold them close to my heart because it is all I have left of you. I wear you in a pendant necklace everyday. I thought when I bought this it would help me feel your presence with me, but it doesn't. Instead it reminds me . . . you aren't here. when the phone rings now it doesn't announce, "Call from Mama" and I still have your phone number in there. I don't think I'll ever be able to delete it. I hate this so much Mommy.  I'm still so lost and don't know what to do without you. I have no desire to take care of things that need daily attention like paying bills, cooking, doing laundry or housework is a weekly battle.  One week from today will be 4 months...4 f****** months that I haven't talked to you, kissed you, or hugged you.

It's not possible. . . it just doesn't seem real.

I love you Mama to eternity. 

xoxoxo