"I Knew"

 I've suspected it for a couple weeks now. But when I would ask you about it, you denied it. But I knew. I knew deep in my heart, I knew. I didn't want to know, but I've been through this so many times before, I knew.

When you admitted it, you broke me....again.  these last couple weeks have been a struggle for me, missing my Mama so much and still struggling with the fact that she is gone and I will never see her again on this earth.  I found comfort and peace in knowing, hoping and trusting that something would good could come out of such a huge loss. And it did. for 3 short months. Until you selfishly thought only about yourself . I don't understand. Didn't you know how much this would affect me? My life, my feelings? and then you say you love me. Really? Cause love doesn't do that to somebody. Love forsakes oneself and puts others before them. When have you ever done that? That's not Love. I'm hurt and I'm angry.  I'm angry that you PROMISED me you wouldn't go back to your old life. and you can't use grief as an excuse because what was your excuse before Mom died? Don't you think I'm grieving just as much as you are? But instead of letting Satan fill my head with lies, I trust in my BIGGER GOD. I get into my Bible and I start spouting off all of God's promises to me!

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-The Lord is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in time of trouble

_I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you

-The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed

-Give our burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you

-With God's help we will do mighty things

-For he is coming to judge the earth. He will judge the world with justice, and the nations with fairness.

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Satan tells you, "You are Weak" and you believe him. You wear it around your neck as a declaration. I begged you if you felt like you were going to slip to reach out to me, to call me and we would pray through it. But you didn't...

You never do....Instead you listen to Satan, the father of LIES and you let him drag you down the gutter again....again....and again....

I don't even know why after all these years I even get my hopes up anymore. I thought, well I lost my Mama (that was unavoidable) but I gained my sister back. And you've taken that away from me again.

tonight is....hard, broken and hopeless.

Please Lord, give me strength, and hope once again.

*Mama, I love you so much and I miss you. I wish you were here, I need you.

xoxox