Today & Yesterday

 almost 5 months, Mama. And the world still keeps on turning. Shaking my head. That dumb-founds me.  I haven't gotten any signs from you lately. I'm struggling. I fight each day to stay in the present. It's difficult. My heart constantly longs for days pass.  Days that I will never get back again. I know that.  It's a gut wrenching battle between my heart and my head. And I'm like a 5 year old child who screams for their Mommy.   A heartbroken child.

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Spring showed up last week in her gusty winds and temps we haven't seen in months. if felt good to open some windows, go outside without a jacket and snow boots. then this morning I woke up, grabbed my coffee sat down at the dining room table and watched snow flakes swirling around the week old brown grass Id been looking at.  it once again is covered in a white blanket.  I'm going to enjoy her beauty for today, i'm guessing this will be the last time winter shows up until next year. there is something said for lazy winter days, binge watching your latest flick and not caring about what else is going on in the world.  The stores are filled with white rabbits and peace lily's in anticipation for Easter. I know we would of have spent one day last week running around, windows in the car down, hair blowing and just enjoying the smell of Spring in the air. You weren't there. But I went anyway.

I have decided I will have our yearly Easter celebration. I pondered for awhile whether to have it or not because your absence is so pronounced , it's deafening yet screaming at the same time.

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I don't know why I foolish thought you would always be here. I feel because of that I stupidly took a lot of things for granted that haunt me now. Sometimes I was never present in the moment with you and for that I'm deeply sorry, Mama. God knows I would give anything to have one more day with you, just a regular day we spent together that I didn't appreciate enough. I feel like you've missed so much since God took you home. So many things I've wanted to share with you. 

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I remember the last good deep talk we had only a few months before you left. You told me how much you loved me, how grateful you were for me and you didn't know what you'd do without your Kelly. Those words replay in my head often. I'm grateful we were openly honest with each other and I know how much you loved me. I cling to that now. Our day trips, memories, and photos are all I have left of you now. And it kills me everyday. I miss you so much, Mama. I love you and I hope and pray that you are beside me every day.