Documentary | Days with My Mama

 these photos were taken about a month before my Mama passed away. her death was sudden and unexpected after she suffered a heart attack and went through a 7 hour surgery. Often times when I went over I would take my camera and just take random, casual photographs documenting our days together. Toward the end of her life, I would have to go over and just be there while she took a shower, just to make sure she didn't fall getting in and out. Still at 94 years old she was able to still live on her own, and was for the most part considered to be in good health for a 94 year old woman. She cooked her own meals, did her own laundry, we were extremely blessed for the time that God allotted us.

__________________________________________________

Next week will be 8 months that she's been gone. I can't even wrap my head around that. Yet. My heart just refuses to accept this. So much of my identity was tied to my Mother. I was her care-giver, took her everywhere she needed to go and now, it's just lost without her.

_____________________________________________________

I know those last 6 months of her life were getting harder and harder for her. And she was getting so tired. She would tell me, "Kelly,  my body is so tired." but I for some reason always thought she would be here. Even when they took her down for surgery that last day, it never crossed my mind that she wouldn't be coming back. When they wheeled her away I never thought that would be the very last time I would see her smile, kiss her warm forehead, and hold her hand. Or reassure her that everything was going to be ok. My mind continually goes back to that last day. How I wish I would have hugged her tighter and I wish I would have demanded to talk to a doctor. No one came in and talked to me about what was happening, I just knew she had a heart attack and they were taking her down to the CATH lab. So many things about that day I wish I could change.

______________________________________________

Yesterday I made an appointment to go in and talk to a therapist. I can't get in until July but I'm really hoping that they can help me put some closure to that last day.

Do I have regrets? Yes, I think everyone has some regrets.  But one thing I'm sure of is that she knew how much I loved her and I knew how much she loved me. This is the price we pay for LOVING WELL..an huge open wound when they are gone. Learning to relive without my Mom has been a struggle for me. I can honest say that it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to face and live with during my life.

_______________________________________________

I miss you, Mama and I love you so so much.

XOXOX