Left Behind

 In 6 days it will have been 4 months since I lost you. Lost my other half, my twin sister. And since then life has been a struggle...a struggle of ....what if's, why didn't I do this or that. it's been 100 regrets that I can never change now. it's daily chats in the car with her as if she's sitting right next to me.

 it's anger, and bitterness at so many memories we could have had if alcohol didn't steal everything from her, and from me.  it was constant battles of fighting to save her from herself and failing time and time again. it's living in the past in our childhood and early adult lives just so I can hold onto all the good times she was beside me.

I was always the more strong willed of the two and we both knew if I had gone first she would have struggled with coming to peace with it more. she was just that way. all of our lives i would stand up for her, carry her burdens, take care of her like a wounded little bird and fight for both of us. She was gentle, and kind and compassionate.

I wish so badly that I could have just one more day with her. I knew she was sick and I just put off having that hard talk with her, maybe in the back of my mind I was in denial, like if I admitted it it would be true...and it was. She didn't have much time left on this earth and I didn't tell her everything I wanted to her to know. So, today I pray more than anything, she knew. I pray that she knew how proud I was of her for all the times she tried to turn things around; I pray she knew how much I loved her and that she was and still is my other half and I miss every minute of every day. 

It was an honor to be with her and hold her hand when she left this world. Some days I'm glad her pain and suffering is over, even though mine has just begun. It will take me a lifetime to get over losing her.

How do you let someone go that has been in your life since conception?  It's hard being the last one left. We lost our mom 3 years ago this month and I had just come to terms with that lose.

I'm angry at myself for not giving her more grace, more forgiveness. and I have to sit in that everyday. I don't know how to forgive myself. 

My beautiful twin, I miss you so much & I'll love you forever.