1:30AM & letters to my twin

 My darling sweet sissy words can't even describe how broken I am without you.  These last couple weeks have really been a struggle for me. I knew when I took this picture in May on Memorial day that it was most likely the last holiday we would celebrate together as a family. A mere 17 days later you were gone.

Day by day I saw your health declining more and more and it was so frustrating that we couldn't get any help from the doctor's or the times you went up to the ER and they would just send you home. I knew that carrying around that "ascites" for as long as did would only lead to further problems, and it did. It lead to a bacterial infection that spread throughout your body and within 24 hours you were gone.

I'm still in so much denial. My brain knows you are gone but my heart just can't accept it. You were the only person who ever really knew me and loved me despite everything. You always loved me unconditionally as I did you. I just feel like half of my heart is gone and the half that is left is shattered, broken and I don't think I'll ever get over losing you.

There are days I don't want to be here anymore because I want to be with you and Mama.

And unless you're a twin, no one can fathom this type of loss unless you've been through it.

I wish you didn't leave me. I wish alcohol would have never enter your life and you'd still be here. and there are times I'm so angry at you. WHY, why didn't you listen to me. Why wouldn't you let me help you. I tried for so many years.

I know you couldn't help it & I know it's a disease. I'm just so lost...I don't know how to live on this earth without you. We've been together our whole lives and now I've lived without you for 147 days. the longest days of my life.

there is so much going on in my life right now that I need you for. I'm so sorry for the times I got angry at you, the times I wouldn't talk to you because you were drinking, the times I pushed you away because I just didn't know how to deal with it all anymore. I just wanted to save you. I wanted me and your girls to be enough for you to stay. I know you tried so many times and you were so brave sissy. I'm so proud of you and I'm so glad that I got to be there with you when you took your last breath, as hard as it was; a part of me left with you on June 15, 2023 @ 6:19PM. that day haunts me. And it will haunt me and taunt me for the time I'm on this earth.

I hope you know how much I love you and I know you tried.I hope you are finally at peace now and you are with Mama. 

Broken forever

xoxox