Struggling to live in a world without my twin

 I'm really struggling today with losing my identical twin sister 9 months ago. the medical system and her doctors really failed her and I'm so angry. So angry that this had to happen. It was a given that her time was short but she certainly did not have to suffer prior to her death the 24 hours before. Most days I get up after telling myself I can't lay in bed for the rest of my life. It's hard facing a day knowing in my mental state that  she's not here, but my heart lying to me telling me, she's just at home.  I have so many regrets that I can never atone for. 

Our bond was so strong and I've only dreamed about her twice since she's been gone. I thought for sure she would reach out and try to reconnect with me more. Is it because I refuse to believe she's gone? My heart cannot accept that she's no longer on this earth with me. Everytime I watch the video's of her last day in the hospital it literally rips my heart to shreds. I never in a million years thought the night before when I left her in the ER that we would still have a little bit of time left. But, we didn't and that kills me.

when I start thinking about her, I immediately get up and start doing something else because my heart cannot take missing her. It's so hard to accept that I'll never again see or talk to her on this earth again. I don't know how to process that. the pain is so deep and so raw i avoid sitting in it. I rarely find joy in the things I once loved. So much pain and sadness now resides inside my heart and I hate it. I want all sadness gone but i'm stuck and I don't know how to get it out. her last day replays in my heart over and over again. I know she was tired and was ready to go but I wasn't ready. Losing someone you deeply love and share a connection with changes you forever when they are ripped out of your life. it leaves a huge empty hole behind. it rips away all happiness, security, and literally a sense of home from you.

if you've never lost anyone close to you, please thank God. Because once you do, you are never the same person you were before they died.