one day in July

we are nearing the end of july already. the weather has been so typical for her. july  is never unpredictable, shes sassy and temperamental  and bears down on us with intolerable heat.

i'm so lucky i didn't have any outside weddings to shoot this month for she surely would have shown me no mercy...

i've been a little lost lately,

feelings of loneliness and

unworthiness have plagued me night and day....

and the day runs into another before i even realize it....

im terribly unhappy with myself and the fact that time and old age continue to march on no matter how loudly i protest...and trust me, im kicking and screaming the whole way there!

i've lost the feeling of simpleness lately....

i've been hibernating a lot in the house and not doing much outside, not hanging out with family or friends...just kind of lingering from day to day, night to night....

the last few years have been quite a struggle for me....

trying to adjust to getting older is not easy for me and i can't seem to let myself go

and just relish in the 'moment'.....

i looked at my 90 year old mother today at lunch....and i just got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach....i thought to myself, God please don't let me live that long....

her skin is loose and pale now

and every day she seems to have more trouble getting from one place to another....

i told her to not get ahead of herself and take 'baby steps'

its heartbreaking to watch a parent, or any loved one i imagine watch them deteriorate 

a little more every day.....

i don't want my kids to have to see me like that...i want to go out quietly and unexpectedly....

with no burdens on anyone, without anyone having to take care of me if i get sick

feed me, or bathe me....

...sigh....so depressing.....

i feel alone most of time anymore 

lost

just floating between the unknown of here & there

doing what i need to get done for the day and hoping tomorrow will be brighter...

i miss so many things...long gone are the days of make-believe and fairy tales...and happy endings. romanic dinners, snuggles in bed, kisses on the forehead. things you think will never end, but they do....END....

people you thought you knew become strangers, everyone changes over time and i don't know why that is.....

you really are just one individual following on your own path...

alone

and if you're lucky you find a loved one, a friend, a lover

someone who truly means it when they say....

you're not alone

and when you stumble, they grab your hand and set you straight again....

i guess that is all we can all hope for.

XOXO