Saturday....

i long for the darkness to come so  i can hide, 

crawl inside her and curl up and see if  i can disappear for a while....

today has been a bit of a struggle, a feeling of hopelessness is clinging on my skin like a flea clinging onto a dog, i just can't shake her loose...so i do the only thing i know how to do

call on help from the Lord. i find this verse so comforting as if Jesus is pulling up a chair beside me, taking my hand and placing it inside his, asking me to trust him, to go with him...

and im ready to go...i want to go....

the righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;

he delivers them from all their troubles.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted

and saves those who are crushed in spirit

(Psalm 34:1718)

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 today is winter, frost on the window panes and a coolness on the bare floor...

i curl inside thick sweaters and fuzzy socks...and the cat howls at the door for spring....

i cry with her and escape inside myself

pushing away my friends when i need them the most....

my niece told me yesterday to stop looking back and focus forward, and i thought about that for a while last night as i laid in bed, and stared at the  ceiling fan as she rotated round and round...

in my heart i know what to do, i've known for a long time

i just need to find the courage to deal with it instead of baring these feelings into the pit of my stomach and then she complains, and i wonder why...im tired of looking back, i want to look forward ...i want to be filled with a joy that is so contagious you can't help but join in with me...i want to smile again and have a reason to get up and jump out of bed

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my sister is getting married friday. for once in many years she is happy, and complete. 

she's  3 weeks sober and i hope that you will join me in praying for her recovery that was long coming...

my mom replied the other day, she can now die in peace and not have to worry about her anymore.

its been a long road  that my mom, my sister and i have traveled...a lot of years of

abuse, tears and a feeling of helplessness....you can't help someone who doesn't want to  help themselves and its horrific to stand by and watch someone you love slowly and painfully destroy themselves....

its hard to sit beside your twin sister and not recognize her as someone you grew up with and loved...

but praise the Lord! every day i see tiny shards of the sister i use to know appearing again...

and i whisper a silent prayer to Jesus to hold her tight and not let her fall....

i whisper to Jesus to hold us both close and tight

i can hang on one more day....

XOXOX