I am my Sister's Keeper

for many years, so many years i've been my sister's keeper. i've never been a whole person, but half of a whole,  split in two. i am an identical twin, and my identity has always been not one person, but a half of a person, centered around my sister.

she was always the weaker one, and i the stronger, left to fend for her . i can't imagine my life without the shadow of my sister behind me, haunting me and leaving me with her demons. no matter where i run, her demons have branded me and will follow me all the days of my life.   i remain ensnared by childhood memories, followed by adulthood rage. i close my eyes and i can hear the whisper of her slurred words brought on my the massive amounts of alcohol she consumes on a daily basis.                                                                                                                                     

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i've spend most of my life trying to escape her demons only to be sucked back into the never ending cycle she calls a life, the dreadful nightmare she has created for herself and somehow i got sucked into the madness with her, i do not know how to  escape it. i'll be plagued with her sad sorrowful eyes, the agony in her voice for the rest of my life. there is no escape.

 for her.

 or for me.

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every night i beg, plead God to get her out of this misery. i pray for her soul but the devil has her in a tight grip and shes too weak to fight free. and me, well, im just tired, im tired of hanging on

to mere whisper of hope. the years of  alcohol have drained her of any responsible reasoning. and sadly enough i feel there is no  hope left. i've been clinging to it so tightly for so many years only to be disappointed time after time. And after so long, you finally realize that it isn't in the cards.

every phone call in the middle of the night has me jerking up from a restless sleep, to my heart racing in my chest i think it is going to burst out of its cavity, thinking, "this is it. this is that dreadful phone call i've known was going to come for years." only to hear her crying on the other end, desperate for the pain to quit and me not knowing how i can do it for her because she lacks whatever it is she needs to do it for herself.  

Oh God, I'm so tired of  fighting this  nightmare. the fatigue of this fight spreads through my shoulders and down my arms. i don't have the strength needed anymore for this fight. those whispers of hope have now become screams that never end. 

i honestly don't know how we got here to this place of hell, or how we can escape it.

i live for the tiny moments of joy however brief they may be, i suck them in as deeply as i can and hold my breath as if they are wishes to sucked down deep and held there by force.

but they never stay. they are like butterflies and the minute i exhale they come fluttering to the surface just as fast as i sucked them down, and they fly away taking my hope and dreams with them.

__________she still looks at me with tears streaming down her face, her frail body shaking as if i still have all the answers to her problems. _________________________

I live in a dream world of childhood memories with my sister. the happy days, thats what i like to call them. times when she wore happiness like a ribbon in her hair, but somehow the ribbon came untangled and fell to the ground, its been blown in the wind, stomped on, rained on, and now its frayed. a mere shadow of the bright shiny thing it use to be.

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i ache for our childhood days. her laughter, her smile and the twinkle in her eyes.

i ache to hear her happy just one more time.

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