Blue Heart

i knew you best. deep down inside i know you. i know the beat of your heart, the things that make you giddy with happiness, the things that break your heart. i know you. i know you better than anyone else, our  mother, your kids, your husband, i know you better. ive been with you longer than anyone else has. we shared a space together for 9 months, we cuddled together, we slept together, we did everything together so many moons ago. those memories loom inside of me and last night the tears came pouring out. warm, salty tears that i've bottled up inside for so many years poured down my face as i sat on the bed with my daughter, caitlin. 

 i've always been my sister's keeper. most people don't understand, they are quick to criticize and judge, but they don't know. they don't know the demons that led you to where you are. they don't know that at the tender age of 17 your heart was shattered and never could recover, and it was that tragedy that started a downward decline of your life. they don't know the tender sweet child who would never say a bad word about anyone. the little girl that was tiny, and timid and hid behind her twin sister.

let people judge you, who cares, they don't know.

they don't know the demons you struggle with, but i know. and sissy I pray for you, i pray that God will give you the strength to get away from that devil for good. and they don't know that if i could do it for you, i would in a heartbeat. they don't know how many nights i've cursed you for interrupting my life, and the many sleepless nights i've tossed and turned in worry that you were safe and that every phone call at 3AM was answered in hushed breath and endless praying to God that this wasn't the dreaded phone call i've always feared. 

only God knows how many years i've begged, and pleaded to get my sister back. those 3 months you were sober last year were the best years of my life. for those months my heart burst with happiness for you, but i knew, in my heart i knew that  beast was still in your head tempting you every minute of the day and i know that you don't believe you are strong enough to defeat it, but sissy, YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH...you just have to believe you are. years of being beat down my abusive men and hurled angry words have you believing you are worthless. but please know that you are NOT worthless, you are loved by so many if only you could see that.

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i remember that tiny little girl that would follow me many years ago, who would come running to me for safety to escape the cruelties of the world , and i would hold you and put you back together again

until everything was okay and you felt safe again. and now, many years later, im still doing the same thing.

i was born my sister's keeper and i will fight for her till my dying breath, no matter how angry i get at her, no matter how many times she lets me down, i will always be here to put her back together again. i will continue to bandage up the hurts until one day she can believe in herself . 

 “The twin bond is important since it’s a relationship that really started in utero,” “Even in the womb, there was a lot of working together sharing a very small space.”

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i love you sissy <3