Breathe. Pause.

11:27 AM -

 T. Rex is blaring on the headphones while i drink ice coffee and catch up on favorite blogs, my sometimes morning routine. im anxious today. antsy. i need to get out of this house, i need to find some inspiration tucked far back in the corners of my brain. 

breathe. pause. react.

i think it will be winter forever this year. the days scramble into dark lonely nights that seem never ending. today is full of "not knows" a sickly routine i cannot  do anymore, my body protests loudly. 

the sun it out today beaming against bare tree limbs that reach up into pale skies and no color. across the street i glare at the big oak tree that managed to hold onto quite a few leaves this year, but they too are brown, all crinkled up and they struggle to hold on during her bouts of fury.  they sway back and forth screaming the whole way. i sit on the basement steps and light a cigarette, even though i quit 2 years ago. well...just because i like the way it feels between my fingers and i watch the smoke trail away into nothingness.

this year will be filled with an unexpected birth in july and an uneasiness of a death that whispers in the back of my head.... she's coming.

too many days in the house has my mind traveling into dark places better left alone, and not traveled. im in my isolation season of winter. detachment. reclusion. withdrawal. solitude. seclusion. i know when i travel this old friend of a road i can meditate there for a short while but then i need to force myself back out into the world of the unknown, the uncertainties, the highs, the lows, and fully embrace them all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i lose myself in January. she is my least favorite month of the year, she is usually filled with bouts of hopelessness and an uneasiness that i fail to shake off time and time again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

hold on, my heart whispers

and i want to believe her.

XOXO