Wounded

I grew up with a twin sister and 2 older brothers in a typical mid-class neighborhood. for the first 13 years of my life, i rarely saw my father as he worked a lot and he was a highly functioning alcoholic. when I was 13 my parents divorced, which wasn't a surprise and it was a long time in the coming.  there is not much I remember about my father being home or interacting with us in a "family" way. as far as I can remember it was always just the 3 of us, my mother, sister and I.

so to make a long story short, my mother married my stepfather, we moved into a new house and life went on. Life for my mother was great. My stepfather doted on her and gave her everything she ever wanted. Because if you didn't do what my mother wanted, you paid for it in a BIG way.   I had little contact with my father as he lived 5 hours away but occasionally I would get a long overdue phone call.

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continue on to my life this day. I've always felt something was off about me. A couple years ago my mother and I had gotten into it over something stupid I'm sure but you never knew from day to day if my mother was going to wake up "in one of her moods."

after a few days of not talking to her, I went over to her house with flowers in my hand and gave the apology that I knew wasn't mine to give because I had done nothing wrong. however, that's the way it always was with my mother, she was never wrong, and I had come to accept that, well, because she is my mother basically.  I sat down with her and for the first time in my life, I tried to validate my feelings to her. I told her everything I had been feeling since I was a child but she flat out denied everything I had tried to explain to her that I was feeling.  here's the thing about my mother, she is very good at make-believe. On the outside, she is put together, polished, sophisticated and has it all together. but inside the 4 walls of our house lived a completely different person. if you ask her, she has many friends who think she is just wonderful, she can never receive enough praises. her friends mainly consisted of wealthy women who think my mother is the kindest, selfless woman on the earth. but that is far from true.

she can be wickedly evil, mean and greedy, and often takes her moods out on me or my sister.  and you never know when one of these moods is going to hit from nowhere.

Bam! everything is fine and out of the blue, lightning strikes you down and you are in no way prepared for what just happened. 

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I have been beaten down for so many years by this woman. I've been deceived, blinded and mentally abused for years that I've just accepted it because she is my mother. I've always done everything she has wanted me to do to keep her pacified and our relationship on a keen level. and you want to know the really fucked up part? I love this woman. how screwed up is that? this woman who I have done nothing my whole life but try to please.

this woman who has left this dark cloud above my head for years hurled hateful ugly words toward me and has made me feel like the worse person on earth many times. i can't count the times her she has twisted things around that never even happened to make me feel like a worthless fuck. I've walked around my whole adult life with the knowledge that nothing I ever did do or would ever do would ever be good enough for her. but that didn't keep me from trying. Until yesterday.

my mother is a controlling, greedy, narcissistic person and mother or not,

I am NOT doing this anymore.