Grief

 it's been ten days. tens day of living in this world without you. it's unbearable. i can't go anywhere without memories of you flooding thru my soul, and it deeply hurts. every morning i grab the phone to call you and then i remember. every night before bed, i check the time to call you and then i remember. it's a constant ache, that doesn't ever go away. At the end of the day I try to recall at least one blessing that God has given me for the day. and he is faithful because i can always find at least one. Today the blessing came from our girl, Novah, in kisses and big hugs. I think she could sense that Nannie was sad because she kept giving me big hugs.

i don't know how to do this grieving thing. i don't know how to reach out and hang on. every day gets harder. and every day i just want to curl up in a ball and stay inside myself. but I know you wouldn't want that for me so I'm trying Mama. I'm trying so hard to be strong for you.

the holidays are coming up quickly. i can hardly believe we are in November already. the plans we made for Thanksgiving are off now. I won't cook dinner and I won't celebrate Christmas either. I'll buy presents for the kids and grandkids but I won't have a Christmas dinner.

I'll try my hardest not to sink into a deep hole while everyone is happy and cheery. I'll try not to resent people who still have their parents, people who have a reason to celebrate. this year will be hard but God willing I'll be leaning heavily on Our Father to hold me up. 

Rest Up Mama I miss you so much. xoxo