THE WORSE DAY OF MY LIFE....

(Photo taken October 1, 2020) 27 Days before she died. We had no idea. one day she was fine and on October 28 she was gone.

we had just  celebrated her 94th birthday just 6 weeks prior.

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 Tomm marks 21 days, 3 weeks without you. my brain still cannot accept that you are gone. i imagine it is protecting what my heart cannot handle right now. so many "what if's" "why didn't you do this" thoughts race through my head all day long.

Why didn't you call me Mama after you called 911? I could of been with you, held your hand, prayed over you, and loved on you, comforted you. I feel cheated that the hospital didn't call me until 3 1/2 hours later that you arrived and were in the ER by yourself. I'm sure they were busy getting your stats stable but instead I got there at 8:45am about a half hour if even that before they took you to surgery. the last words we spoke were- I love you's , and then you took off your glasses and ask me to put them in your purse. I was so native. I really thought they would take you down to surgery put a few stents in and in an hour or two you'd be back upstairs recovering in your room.

God, what a nightmare day that was. 7 long hours of you in surgery and a phone call from the nurse in the operating room updating me on your status while i paced the empty waiting room and prayed. finally after 7 hours they called to say that the stents were put in, and you'd be up to your room in a half hour that i could go up and wait for you. Room 2046. I walked in and immediately went over to the big picture window, praising and thanking God for his goodness and mercy. I was on the highest level of happy that you could get. a half hour passed, then 45 minutes, then an hour. i started to get an uneasy feeling in my stomach, I couldn't  imagine what was taking so long.

finally a nurse from the OR called me and said that, "you were very sick" which at the time I thought was a strange thing to say. So, I asked, "Sick, how? Throwing up sick? and she said, "No they are doing CPR and getting ready to vent her.

AT THAT MINUTE I WAS CAST FROM THE HIGHEST MOUNTAIN TO THE BOTTOM.

I LOST IT. COMPLETELY.  What a roller coaster ride that day was.  Finally after 2 hours they let Shelly come up as they worked on you for 2 hours. We were finally able to come down and see you. I was in a daze. I feel like I floated down there. I walked in the room, immediately saw you laying on a steel metal table with a white blanket pulled up to your chin. the vent tube was still in your mouth but I knew you were gone. I kissed your forehead and you were already cold and grey. the blood had already pooled to your fingertips and were purple.

I needed to be with you when your sprit left your body and I needed to reassure you, it was okay. but I know in my heart you were in that room with Shelly and I. I know you were at peace and my heart was crushed, shattered, gutted. Never to be the same ever again.

the last 3 weeks I feel I have been in a daze. I don't know where 3 weeks have gone already and it feels like everyday gets harder. I'm hanging on only by the Grace of God, Mama. 

I spend my days now going over that day, every minute, every hour and would give anything if i could go back in time and redo that day.  I would have loved on your more, squeezed you tighter and and held you tight as you left this world.  

I love you, Mama and I miss you so much.

xoxoxo