My Mama

 My Mama

She survived so much in her life. the death of her 2 sisters, and 1 brother. the death of her parents who she cared for and took care when they became sick. her oldest son, my brother, Jack who passed away 5 years ago. I hope her Mama was their at the gate ushering her home. She missed her Mama and still struggled with bad days even after 24 years of her Mom being gone.

I can relate to that struggle now. It's been 17 days today. Wow. that in itself blows my mind that you have been gone from this earth for 17 days. Oh Mama this is so hard.

Walking into that surgery room seeing you lay on that cold steel table with a white blanket up to your chin, a tube hanging out of your mouth and your little hands laying at your sides with blood already pooling to the tips, leaving your fingers purple.  You were already cold when I kissed your forehead. Why didn't they let us down there sooner? I needed to be with you when you passed into the spiritual world. I needed you to know I was there and it was ok.

People say, "Oh you are so blessed you had her for so long." and, yes, we were blessed. But hearing that doesn't help me in anyway. You can never have enough time with your Mom. A 100 years wouldn't be enough time.  I don't want to be around people, yet closing myself off and isolating myself  just results in aching for you all the more.

it's so hard, Thanksgiving is less than 2 weeks away and I can't celebrate that without you. Making all your favorite foods would just drop me to my knees. My first birthday without you is a week after Thanksgiving and it will mark exactly 5 weeks since you died. Novie knows you are in heaven. She saw your picture, pointed at it and said, "Grandma, she's in heaven."  She knows. You loved her so much.  

it helps to write to you, to talk to you. You were such a BIG part of my life and now I'm just so lost without you. Nothing will ever be the same again. And I have to learn how to process that and accept it. Accepting you are gone is hard. I don't think I've fully even done that yet. I can't. it just doesn't seem possible that you are gone and I feel so helpless I can't do anything to fix this. I can only go through it. the dark days and nights, the uncertainty. the feelings of being on the verge of a panic attack 24/7. it is mentally and physically exhausting this thing called 'GRIEF".

I love you Mama and I miss you so much.

xoxo