Kicking and Screaming A Letter to My Cait

last night as i laid in bed, i quietly heard my Caitlin crying .she's been battling some heavy demons lately and as a mother it breaks my heart. it breaks my heart that the only thing i can do is be there for her and not feel offended when she pushes me away. i know that she has to experience the hardness of heartbreak and the unfairness of the world, but that sure doesn't make it any easier for me.

i want to wrap her up in a warm comfortable blanket like when she was a baby and i could kiss it all better. i don't want to hand her over to this cruel world that might harden her heart forever because she won't accept God as her Savior. She's so young and so unknown to all the brokenness that lays out there like a thief in the night just waiting to pounce on her. And her thinking she has it all figured out when she doesn't. You can't know the things a mother knows until you've lived those years.

and i'm finding out that i can't protect her, as much as i want too, i just can't do it. and i worry. and then i get angry at myself for worrying because God commands us to hand over our burdens to him, to lay them at his feet and he will carry the burden for us. as a mother i want to do this, but im frightened. and shes fighting me, kicking and screaming all the way. oh why won't she listen to me. i've been in that dark hole she is in right now. im reaching my hand down that  hole to help her get out, but she won't grab onto it.

she doesn't know. she doesn't know that she can't make it out on her own. that we all need some compassion, and the strength of others more times than not. she doesn't know her worth yet and that she deserves better than what she has been accepting. she doesn't know she's worthy of love and that God has a great purpose for her life if she would just take one small simple step toward him. she doesn't know yet that he will catch her before she falls. and so i wait, and wait. and the pacing the floors is breaking my heart into a thousand pieces. that laying in my bed in the room across from hers last night and listening to her cry ripped my heart right out of my chest.

i want a do-over. i want to go back to the beginning and make all the wrongs right. i want to spend every minute teaching her to stand tall and strong. and teaching her what love really is and not some fairy tale you watch on tv. real love and real life aren't like that. I want her to know that when she feels like her heart is breaking that it is okay to hurt, that it won't last forever and she will claim that dance floor as her own. she will laugh again and that the best years are ahead of her, if only she would believe.

my darling cate, you are worth so much more than you believe you are. you deserve to be happy and treated like a princess. don't ever settle for less than you deserve because you my darling deserve the stars and the moon and all the best love your little heart can hold.
                               I love you my darling girl. And i will always love you to the moon and back
                                a thousand time over.

~Mama~