I'm Sorry, I can't Save You...

as I sit here and type out these words, I think of where you are right now, at this very minute. 

in a hard chair in a room with others who like you have lost there way as well.

for 30 years, I have tried. I have tried so desperately to save you.

I have recused you so many times, but I am not able to save you.

as big as the need or want I have to save you is just not enough.

I knew from a very young age, that you were not going to be strong enough to handle the cruelty of people or the hardships of life. and I think that is one of the reasons I've always tried to save you everytime your world comes crumbling down like a wall of bricks. but you don't know that when your world breaks, my heart shatters because you are too deep inside of yourself to see the effect your actions and words have on your family or anyone that is around you when you are in a destructive mood which is basically every day. I could fill an empty well with the tears I've seen you shed over the years. the way you get that hungry lost look in your eyes like you don't know what to do, and I get pulled back in every time. into the darkness, the bottom of the pit with you. and I'm trying so hard to pull us both back up to the surface, but I can't. 

I think back over the lost years you've thrown away, the chances you've had to make something of yourself, your life and to end this cycle of madness and it angers me so much, I want to shake you. but no matter how mad I get, how loud I shout, you do not hear me it's so frustrating and heartbreaking. it's tiring. I'm so weary from trying to save you.  Do you understand that? Do you understand that I'm tired. you've broken me with your neediness. and in the process of me trying to put you back together, I've lost a piece of myself.

 I don't know how much longer I can carry you, I'm sorry.

XOXO