.........Slipping Away............

Thursday early afternoon....beautiful skies although  deceiving us with a brutal wind

making it seem more nicer outside than it actually is....

in a funk today so that calls for a trip to my favorite place

Barnes & Noble Bookstore

for a hazelnut iced Latte and  Dean Koontz

(no sappy love stories here today)

im tiptoeing through life today.....and trying to land softly wherever that may be....

im not focused on reading a book at the bookstore, and im not conscious of drinking my coffee....instead im thinking about my Mama and how every new day she seems to slip away from us more and more....

i talked to her this morning for a half hour trying to explain her medications to her, when to take them, and a half hour later she called me back and had forgotten everything we'd talked about...

its very hard to see some you love (especially) a parent slip farther and farther away from you daily. im trying with much difficulty to prepare myself that she is almost 90 years old and that you can't live forever, but no matter how many times i run that through my head it doesn't process. i can't image living in a world that my mother isn't apart of....i can't imagine having a bad day when i feel like im alone and no one loves me, i can't imagine not being able to pick up the phone, or run over to her house to have her reassure me that, yes, i am loved and wanted and even more than that im  worthy of love....

i can imagine the angry part im going to feel when she is gone....instead of thanking God for allowing me to have her for so long.....

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in all reality I've been very blessed. I've not lost a lot of people that I've had deep connections with in my life....i lost my brother last June but we weren't that close and his death was more of a blessing than a curse. he was sick for a long time and he suffered for years....

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i can't imagine how anyone survives the death of their mother. to me that has got to be one of the hardest deaths to accept. after all, its our mothers who taught us how to trust, to live, to give.

and we live each day exactly the same, never allowing ourselves to even think that tomorrow they may not be here. that you can be here one day, and 5 minutes later....gone....

just like that.....

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i know in my heart that through out the life you have to accept the bitterness with the happy. but i don't know how to do that....i feel stuck, on the edge of my seat just waiting for something bad to happen to her....my own fear and anxiety of losing her are holding me captive...

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when im with her now, i study her very carefully. last week when we were out to lunch, i watched her intently as she struggled to cut up her food because the arthritis is so bad in her hands...shes so tiny now, and she walks hunched over like a little helpless old lady....and it's so heartbreaking to watch. my mother has always been strong, and very independent. very authoritative and a take charge kind of woman...

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now a days, i feel like the parent hovering over her, grabbing her elbow and tucking it inside my arm to help her walk....and im not ready to let her go....i'll never be ready.....

struggling with reality today....

XOXO