Beautiful Disaster

spooling images cross thru my mind

the ideas never shut-up, inspiration is always churning

i pace the hardwood floors, my feet cooled by the autumns night air. another sleepless night

im anxious even though i've taken xanax, the anxiety is still here so i light up a cigarette, even thought i quit a year ago, thinking it might help, but it doesn't. it tastes awful and the smell lingers on my hands, and in my hair, on my clothes.

i glance at this reflection in the mirror and it sickens me. i thought by now, at my age, i would have everything figured out. i would have put out all the fires and burned all the demons that linger around just waiting to pounce on me in a moment of weakness.

i let myself get lost...

i thought by now i would have put to rest the regret, the shame, the guilt

the everything that is not so good in my life would be buried and forgotten...

but life doesn't work that way....

i need to feel good about 'me' again...

i need to love me again

before anyone else can

the words in my heart are full

and i need to cut them out

dismantle them and burn them

once and for all....

i need to embrace the 'simple' again and live in the moment. i need to quick getting ahead of myself in eager selfish gratification

and  shelter myself from the bitterness

the hardness, the cruelness of the world 

i need to grab that goodness in me that i know is there

and pull her back out

it's dark, the red tip of my cigarette is glowing

why won't you be good, i am good

im not bad, i don't care what your brain is telling you, you are not bad

i feel as if everything is teetering on the edge and i have no control 

 somewhere, somehow, i lost me....

i feel like a puzzle that has been tossed on the floor

and i just need to take one move, pick up a piece and start

piecing her back together again...

baby steps...

thats not so hard

....right?.....