SADDEN

my heart is both sadden and angry.

this is my sister. this picture was taken not even a year ago on my sister's wedding day, it would have been a year january 30. 

im so angry that alcohol can destroy everything and everyone.

no-one is immune to it. my sister has had a drinking problem for years. her husband kelly (soon to be her ex)  is also an alcoholic. he'd been sober for 3 years when they met. he knew my sister was an alcoholic yet he continued to pursue her. they were happy and so in love. in this picture you can see the happiness on their faces and the loved they shared was a miracle. for the first time in my life i didn't have to worry about my sister, and i could finally shed tears of joy with her instead of heartbreak.  she had a good man who loved her and was going to take care of her. on this day, the future held promises we had no way of knowing would never come true. so many sleepless nights i can't even count.

i look at this photo and  i think back to that day, the happiness, and the surge amount of love in the room that took precedence over everything else and then  im jerked back into the presence day and my heart sinks to the floor.

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happiness, i don't think is in the cards for my sister. and the really sad thing is is that she brings most of it on herself.  no matter how many talks or advice i give her she only listens to the bottle. nothing ever matters as much as that drink, and the one after that.

and no matter how long i live, i will never understand it.

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its so frustrating for me the stress and the worry she has put me and my family through for 25 years. and she doesn't even realize it. she can't think or make a decision without booze being behind every thought or action she makes and this time it has cost her dearly. she lost the man she loves, her home, and her husband loss his sobriety, his wife and everything he built back up from climbing out of the gutter 3 years ago.
life is so unfair.  

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i was on the phone with her the other night, she's crying,  and you can feel the heaviness of her heart in between the gaps of sobs that escape from her chest. she doesn't understand why her life has been so hard and so much pain

at the same time, my heart is breaking because her's is. i tell her the exact reason why her life has been horrible and will continue to be horrible as long as she is drinking. she agrees with me, yet it has such a strong hold on her, she cannot let it go.

no matter how many dreams are shattered, no matter how many hearts are broken she cannot let go.

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xoxox