August Days...

august days...

they are sweltering and the air conditioner barely shuts off. i go from being hot to cold, to turning the air down and then to grabbing a sweater. 

no socks and bare feet  patter on hardwood floors that need waxed and cleaned.

soon it will be opened windows and doors

fall leaves wet from rain gathered into corners and colors galore when i glance out the window

there will be white pumpkins and garlands of autumn adoring the fireplace

cool nights and haunted movies with the anticipation of my favorite holiday, Halloween.  

________________________

the house this summer has been in a confusion.  there has been an disorder in the balance of my 'normal'

days and nights. everything has been switched backwards and it has left me unsettled. i want my 'normal' back. my mind is tired of over thinking and i find little things are making me angry. and my daughter seems to make things worse. i worry about her, her future, that she seems to not care or even think about. she floats around day to day as if she has no plans, no decisions and no actions are in place for her future, and this seems not to bother her in the least. 

silly girl she is so unwise, if only she knew.

in all honesty most days i feel like a failure as a mother. my greatest joy in life is also my greatest downfall. somehow, somewhere i lost control and i don't know how to get it back.

it's too late...

i failed her

i failed as a mother...hard as i tried, i still feel defeated and bone-tired.

.lost. and just wandering through the emotions of trying to get through each day

because i don't want anyone else to know what a failure i am.

and how alone i really feel.

it has to get better...

i can hope

xoxo