the bitch is here....again....

it's 2a.m. but to my wide awake body its really 3 am. we turned the clocks back last night. darkness comes earlier and the nights are longer now.

insomnia is such a bitch. 

the house is quiet and i layed in bed and stared at the ceiling for 2 hours before resigning myself to get up and take some more xanax...and get the thoughts racing through my head out on paper...

i toss and turn, and it seems as if only 5 minutes have past since the last time i glared at the bold red letters on the alarm clock, but it's been more like an hour.

so many thoughts and feelings racing through my head tonight....and

loneliness....

how is it possible to be lonely when you live in a house with 2 other people? 

i've got a million things on my to-do list and just looking at it puts me in despair quickly

so i turn the paper over....

the humming of my laptop seems loud tonight and i'm watching the hands on the clock tick ever so slowly as i wait for my eye lids to get heavy and start to droop...

i glance over at the stack of bills i have to pay tomorrow and in an instant a dark cloud appears over my head....

paying bills is so stressful for me. i absolutely wait until everything is late, then in a mad rush hurry to get everything paid before anything is shut off....only out of laziness are the bills late because when they come i don't even open them, i throw them in a pile on my desk...and they sit there until i can force myself to go through them and write the checks. it's depressing to see my bank account number drop. im not good with money, and frankly i never have been. im not a saver by any means...i don't believe in 'saving for a rainy day' what if a rainy day never comes for me...

i guess you could say in some ways i am spoiled with material things but lack a lot of physical things i need to keep me sane and happy, and feeling loved

which are never met. a friendly hug, a kind word, a deed done out of appreciation, these things i do not have....and they are things money cannot buy.

you cannot buy back the past, your youth, or love

once these things are gone...they are gone

its really so sad how short life really is...

and this becomes more apparent to me daily...

i came across  post on facebook earlier tonight.

it was a photography of a woman holding a child, her 7 year old daughter, the father was leaning over them and the photo was snapped one minute after the child died in the night, in the darkness, surrounded by people who loved her.

i stared at the photo and it nearly tore my heart out. the pain on the parents faces was

so unreal, raw, deep, and ugly. their daughter, katie had been diagnosed a year before with brain cancer , which was terminal, they gave her 9 months to live and she made it a year.

for as long as i live, i will never get that image out of my head and even though i don't know the family, my heart grieves with them just the same. as a mother i cannot image having your child taken away from you. i cannot imagine having to help them leave this world when you brought them in....its not right...thats not how it should be....

xoxo