What i know today.....

if ive heard it once i've heard it a million times

people come into our lives for a reason...throughout my life i've known this...some come as blessings and others come as lessons...

some will stay for a long while

and others will stay only long enough to leave behind a lesson....its up to you to gather the good and the bad and sort thru it...thats the hard part....the sorting...the keeping and the tossing out the 'what you don't need' bullshit. ive never been an easy person. im complicated and there are a lot of puzzle pieces that fit inside of this one human body....this girl...this woman who is getting older, yet still feels likes she eighteen....

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when i was younger i fit into the category of the tough girl. nothing or no one was ever going to get the best of me..and if they did, they would have to fight for it, and fight hard. to this day there still remains a rebel in me...but i try hard to keeper her more silent these days.

it isn't as important to me anymore who is right, or who is wrong...i just want to be kind, generous and leave everyone i across, hopefully with something good. a kind word, a simple gesture

a gift of some sort...and always with love....in this world we forget how to love wholly..not only with our heart but always with our whole soul

life becomes too routine and we accept that...we willingly without fighting for it....accept less than we deserve....

everyone deserves kindness, a hug, someone who they can count on no matter the time or the situation....

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i don't hold onto anger and hatred anymore like i use too. i forgive more easily now, and when i lay myself down at night to sleep, im hoping it is with a grateful heart, and blessings of love

and joy.....and grace

always

........GRACE......

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the experiences i have had in my life have led me to the path that i now find myself on.

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the feeling i had as a child that my mother played favorites between my twin sister and i

the feeling that no matter what i do, or how good it is, sometimes it will never be enough for some people

and really, underneath, the problem isn't with me

it's with them...

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today, this day, as i type this on my keyboard im gathering up my lessons and throwing them into a 'catch all' box...I'll pull them out when i start to feel unworthy, unloved and i let others belittle me into thinking this is all  i deserve...until i force myself to look into the mirror and scream, no this is not all i deserve...im human, im messy, im a disaster most of the time, always lost and always trying to find the answers...waiting for God to scoop me up and tell me...it's gonna be okay, put one foot in front of the other because everything will always be okay...

...follow the yellow brick road and your questions will be answered....

i struggle with depression....and the last few months have been tough ones for me...but im still here, im still hanging on tight and im still hoping that one day i will wake up and the sun will once again shine upon my face...and i will sing in the laughter and dance under the moon

i will remember all the reasons why its wonderful to be here

alive...and i will continue to search for the beauty, even in the ugliest things, the ugliest of times there should always be a bit of beauty to grasp onto.

and as hard as it is for me some days to drag myself out of bed, i will continue to search for the yellow brick road

i will continue to fight for my beliefs and what i deserve

i will continue to forgive others who do me wrong and who throw cruel gestures and words at me

i will continue to pray for them, and i will continue to be kind.

i will continue to throw the homeless guy on the side of the road a couple of dollars even if i know he isn't really homeless, because it makes me feel better....

XOXOX